Tortures of the damned

I like to sit outside during storms. It makes me a part of something both beautiful and destructive.

Why do I keep going back to what I know hurts me? Why do I try to convince myself to feel things I don't really wanna feel? Why won't I ever be free of you?

I'm staying with my parents for the summer and me and my mother are already getting on eachothers nerves. We're not a good combination.

Friday is midsummers eve and it's been two years since I was the happiest girl in the whole world. A lot can change in two years, huh?

Fuck staying still

My feet are itching


I need to move


 

I'm like a rollercoaster ride without safety or emergency break... With cotton candy in my hair.

I stopped believing in God before I was old enough to know what God was.

Weren't we brought up to believe life was more than this? I turned twenty but I believed someone made an error along the way. I've lived a hundred years. What's another day when I've lived a million?

I think there is a greater purpose to my life. I refuse to live like this for the rest of my life because this isn't a life. I need adventure, travel, excitement. I need to feel alive. If I have to fight for that, I will. Will you help me? Will you be my help?

My birthday came and went and I didn't really notice it. I can't believe a year passed already, it feels like just a couple of days. 2008 went by like lightning and I'm not sure I managed to save all the memories and emotions. In one way, I'm happy I didn't. There are so many things I'd like to forget.

I'm desperatly afraid of dying but at the same time it's something I long for. I might now know what's on the other side but sometimes it doesn't matter, cause nothing could be worse then this. My well being is somewhat compromised, but at the same time I feel good. It's weird to feel opposites, it feels like I'm dragged apart by a force, a lot stronger than myself.

My desperate attempt to grow roots somewhere else has succeeded, even though I know this isn't the right place for me either. I can't be still, I need to go, my body is screaming at me to go now but I can't. I made promises and I intend to keep them. I will count the days until I'm free again.

I have a plan in the back of my mind for this summer, to run, and not tell anyone where I'm going. I've been known to go to other countries without knowing where to stay for the night and I always manage to find somewhere. Maybe this summer will be the one.

13/2-09

Today, I visited a city I haven't seen in years. I stepped off the train and realized this was the exact platform I once waited for my friends on a long time ago. I was shocked, choked on the smoke in my lungs as the memories came flooding back. Suddenly I was 14 again. Suddenly I wasn't going home, I was 14 and running away from home. It's been six very long years but I remember the days in this city so clear, like it was yesterday. Does that mean I haven't changed? I'd like to believe I have because I wasn't very happy back then. Am I happy now? I know the friends have changed and that they're not friends anymore. If we met on the street I doubt they'd recognize me. I wonder if I would recognize myself.

Yesterday was a bad day. I paniced, a panic attack that stretched over an hour. Hyperventilating, crying, screaming, scratching, trying to take the bad things away. I hadn't felt like that in a long time and even though I know what triggered it I can't remove it and I'm sure it will happen again, sooner or later. It won't ever go away.

A screwdriver became my savior, and then a friend who hugged me and got me in a better mood. Later, storytelling over the phone to fall asleep to.

It's your birthday today. I won't be on your mind a single second of today. I don't know if it makes me sad or happy.

Please just save me from this darkness.

(the first time that I felt connected to anything)

Happy birthday.

I'm not in love with you anymore. I was, for a very long time, even though I told people I had moved on. It's been a year since we last talked and I almost forgot what you look like. I forgot your smell after six months and it made me cry. I will always love you in a strange way, even though we hurt each other so much. This writing isn't very good, I realize that, but my thought about you have never been very clear. That's what you did to me, from start to finish. Confuse, confused, confuse.

Tell me I'm able to move on.

Do you remember the night you called me crying? Did you feel the unspeakable that night? How we suddenly were the bestest of friends even though we hardly knew eachother before? Suddenly, it was just you and me and we never questioned it. It was like lightning struck, like it was meant to be. I know you remember.

I remember how you came to my house and had dinner with my parents and we were.. perfect. Yeah, we were. The bestest of friends and nothing could get between us. We were "<" and "3". I have that tattooed on me now.

We're not like this anymore. I thought about it the other night, when I couldn't sleep. I wonder what it was that killed us. It wasn't you, it wasn't me, it was love. I think we loved eachother too much and we never wanted to admit we were ever wrong. I guess emotions can kill the strongest of relationships.