Tortures of the damned

As always, I end up being the one that gets too emotional. This is for real, and I have no intention of forcing you to make a choice you don't want to make. You won't read this until I'm gone so here, I can tell you that I love you.

When this all started I tried to distance myself from the feelings that I was feeling but the more time that passed, the more evident it became that what I was trying was an impossible task. There's no hiding now, I can't hide anymore. I don't blame you, or myself, because it made me so incredibly happy. I was happy for the first time since.. a very long time, thanks to you. Thank you.

I wish I got to you first. I'm sorry I didn't. There's some things I can't say here, for several reasons, but I want to say them, so loud, so bright, but they're too mean. I'm not mean. I'm the one who always adjusts. I'm the one who won't really say what she wants, because I put other peoples happiness in front of mine. However, this time I don't know who I'm making happy. It's not myself, and I don't think it's you either.

I'm very aware of how very rambling and blurry this will sound to anyone but myself, and possibly you. I just want you to know that I would have/could have made you happy. Very happy. I still would if you asked me. I'd be yours. I'd love you.