Tortures of the damned

I'm desperatly afraid of dying but at the same time it's something I long for. I might now know what's on the other side but sometimes it doesn't matter, cause nothing could be worse then this. My well being is somewhat compromised, but at the same time I feel good. It's weird to feel opposites, it feels like I'm dragged apart by a force, a lot stronger than myself.

My desperate attempt to grow roots somewhere else has succeeded, even though I know this isn't the right place for me either. I can't be still, I need to go, my body is screaming at me to go now but I can't. I made promises and I intend to keep them. I will count the days until I'm free again.

I have a plan in the back of my mind for this summer, to run, and not tell anyone where I'm going. I've been known to go to other countries without knowing where to stay for the night and I always manage to find somewhere. Maybe this summer will be the one.

13/2-09

Today, I visited a city I haven't seen in years. I stepped off the train and realized this was the exact platform I once waited for my friends on a long time ago. I was shocked, choked on the smoke in my lungs as the memories came flooding back. Suddenly I was 14 again. Suddenly I wasn't going home, I was 14 and running away from home. It's been six very long years but I remember the days in this city so clear, like it was yesterday. Does that mean I haven't changed? I'd like to believe I have because I wasn't very happy back then. Am I happy now? I know the friends have changed and that they're not friends anymore. If we met on the street I doubt they'd recognize me. I wonder if I would recognize myself.

Yesterday was a bad day. I paniced, a panic attack that stretched over an hour. Hyperventilating, crying, screaming, scratching, trying to take the bad things away. I hadn't felt like that in a long time and even though I know what triggered it I can't remove it and I'm sure it will happen again, sooner or later. It won't ever go away.

A screwdriver became my savior, and then a friend who hugged me and got me in a better mood. Later, storytelling over the phone to fall asleep to.

It's your birthday today. I won't be on your mind a single second of today. I don't know if it makes me sad or happy.

Please just save me from this darkness.

(the first time that I felt connected to anything)

Happy birthday.