Tortures of the damned

My sleep isn't sleep, it's exhaustion. When I sleep, it's not resting, it's running away. I wake up more exhausted then when I went to bed. I move in my sleep, up and down and backwards and forwards, trying to find the place where I'm not alone, where there's someone next to me, holding me, whispering that everything will be okay. My bed is big, and I investigated every inch of it, and I still haven't managed to find that place.

I haven't slept for 14 years.

You never made any promises and now you're making other plans. I can't blame you. How could you ever answer the questions I was too scared to ask?

I had a dream where you said you loved me. "I love you". When I woke up those words stung more than anything. I don't think you'd ever feel that way and even if you did I don't think you'd tell me.

Take me by the hand and tell me you'd take me anywhere..

The drunken wisdom of this entry will be gone in the sober tomorrow.

Change is a strange word. Change is something I'm scared of but at the same time it's something I embrace fully. In less then a month I'll be leaving. Moving away from this city, moving to a new place, another town, far from here. It's frightening and wonderful and crazy, but I'm looking forward to it. Somewhere new to let my roots grow.

I'm struggling inside with questions and wonders and choices. No one wants to be the girl I am right now, no one wants to be that "woman". I never planned to be, but I am. I don't know how to accept that you'll never be mine. I know there's something special but as always I hope for too much.

I wish I could stop time.

I'm still bare feet
still fourteen
still questioning
still curious
still me

I never found my answers

I get it. I annoy you. I'm in your way. You have much more important things to do.

But know this; I could break you. So damn easy.