Tortures of the damned

No matter what happens, I'm setting myself up for emotional suicide.

I didn't find home in New York. I saw a beautiful city despite all it's uglyness. I saw potential and I saw souls. It amazed me how a city, in it's non personal way, can be so... close. So anonymous, but yet so much proximity. It scared me, it did, but at the same time I felt free. But no, I did not find what I was looking for. I found so much more.

For the first time in a very long time things are going the way I kind of want them to, but not without complications. There are still a lot of things I'd like to change, but I don't feel like I have the power - nor energy, to do so.

There are still so many things, so many people, I want to save.

It's a horrible feeling not knowing where you belong.

Monday is the day. I'm leaving. Am I running away? I don't think so. I planned this before things got tough again. I think I'm just exploring. Finding. I have no idea what I will find, but I hope it's something beautiful. I'm going to New York for a week and I'm gonna try to live the city. I wanna see it's beauty but at the same time not ignore the "ugly" side of it. In a way, that's what I wanna capture I guess. Expect photos.

I've been looking forward to this for a very long time, but now, four days prior to take-off, I am nervous. Not only nervous, but I feel like I've (re)discovered beautiful things right here where I am right now and I don't wanna leave them, even if it's only for a week. There's my princess, the beautiful one I don't want to leave, I just wanna be around her more and more.. and then there's this other person who I'm beginning to like more and more every day. Hopefully they will still be around when I get back.

Here's for hoping I'm not running from myself. Here's for hoping that I manage to find home.